Resuming my ‘book reading’ habit and it’s ‘earthquake like impact’ on my life
A book lover’s confession from the depth of her heart. It’s pretty emotionally vulnerable for me to write this post.
In between my narrative, I am including here an extensive list of the books I have read so far. You are welcome!
This list only includes the names that I have properly finished reading from start to end. I am not including the unfinished or paused ones here. Yes! I maintain a ‘pause/resume again’ list as well!!
Writing Book by book description, it would be a mammoth task for me. Right now which I am not really in a mood to write! Besides you can already find in depth descriptions and reviews in Google about the books and authors. So I am keeping it simple here, interconnecting with a common narrative including the essence of all. (Change of mind: I am planning to write one — book by book; I have accepted the idea to write :3)
Being able to read always fascinates me, I find it magical. I have loved reading since I learned how to read in my childhood. I became instantly ‘always go to books’ girl. I spent a lot of time muddling through books, cards, newspapers, magazines, diaries in our home that I had access to, even product descriptions on the packaging (yes! I read them; top to bottom, everything) and what not! At first I can read — that sense really drove me, understanding was not that important or say primary intention. I would end up rereading same stories several times, connecting dots maybe after ages after reading. I find this process interesting, always and now it makes even more sense.
There was a period when I read fiction too. Yes, I enjoyed them. I have got my fair share of favorites in fiction corner as well. However now I feel more inclined to non-fiction - life’s situations explanatory books more than the fictions. It must have something to do with entering the adult realm.
The non-fiction corner eventually felt like finding water in the dessert, not mirage, truly water. These books started giving me answers which I was looking for like eternity (consciously+subconsciously+unconsciously). They explained many things n broke the clouds with rays, divine rays for a curious person (I must exaggerate this point here). It’s really frustrating not getting answers, or the worst is being brushed off, dismissed, or denied. Man! I hate the feeling. Here comes the books at play, explaining and embodying all the patience of the world.
Seeing Youtubers (yes! During my reading gap, I surfed on Youtube, it became a temporary home in the net for me, a refuge, an excuse — everything) recommending books after books, my little voice finally had enough of my careless attitude regarding my life, began lightly knocking me in the background — “let’s begin reading, let’s begin reading, let’s begin reading. . .let’s. . .”
Back then I was transitioning in between reading or not reading! I have forgotten almost everything from the books I am mentioning now. I only remember a handful “really blew my mind in a big way” concepts. Why then going through the mention part? Because I believe these books worked like seeds in my inner scenario. You know, preparing me for the next phase, my mindset preparing to accept further developed concepts, it’s like learning letters before you begin to write words and sentences!!
Let’s say the time range would be 2018–2019 (if I knew I would be writing this post right now, I would have collected exact dates, which I didn’t collected then. My apologies!
I found them, or they found me because I was badly in need of these — Life explanatory, personal finance, personal development related books blew my mind. Many crying moments (just let the pent up tears flow, not even aware that I have started crying) — finally feeling like I am being seen, heard, understood. I have found my refuge in these books. Facing eye to eye with the wounds that I caused to myself (even though then I didn’t know how to do it any better) — realizing this still hurts. The point that I had abandoned myself in countless scenarios — I really had a tough time to accept it. Still working on it. Healing is not a ‘one day’ project, it requires a lifetime worth of commitment.
The question may arise that did my life changed overnight by reading these books? Learning, absorbing all these new concepts about a life well lived? Overnight shift/binge shifting — nature simply doesn’t work this way. And yes! In my case too, the shift hasn’t hit as a lightning. It’s more like sunshine; promoting, supporting my growth in a surefire steady way. I am gradually letting these books, God change me into whatever He intends to make me now.
These are helping me undo my toxic and dysfunctional patterns internalized during childhood. And constructing new healthy ones. One year of compact, dense reading, alongside journaling — it’s like I have acquired a third eye through which the world nowadays seems really different. I might dare to say it’s clearer than before. The clarity is worth the effort.
Finding way back to books ignited the very journey of finding my hidden true self. Which was really scared to come out at broad daylight — expressing herself n working on her voice. These books n more is giving me the courage to finally move forward to flourish.
The list here is just the tip of the iceberg! I have a much bigger collection, already build. A digital library of my own, fully curated to my taste! I prefer reading kinda intuitively — on what topic I am feeling curious or I want to explore the most. Sometimes I end up redirected from author recommendations, but not always. Even if I don’t read immediately, I do look for them and if find the books, download them as soon as possible — shoving them all in my giant library folder.
I have collected a lifetime amount of reading material — ‘wealth’ is more suited word here. Yeah! I do feel rich, very giggly about it — even now while I am writing this post about books, reading — I am smiling, one of satisfaction. I feel glad, relieved and blessed that I got to realize just how much my books are precious to me — beyond descriptions.
I love my collection. I am proud of my collection. Different books may convey similar concepts, I am okay with this. Because ‘repeat’ is needed to stick the concepts in mind and to eventually apply. So I love exploring how different people validating same or similar concepts in their own voice. It’s like through reading, I am acquiring ‘their way of seeing’ skill in my system.
I don’t remember all the hacks. If I did, I would be invincible. What usually happens is this I am soaking myself in the idea’s bubble bath, trying out some ideas, and understanding the workings. I am staying pretty flexible and reflective, but ‘shifts’ I am sure making them. Not that I remember every sentence to the point, I am taking time to read, pause, reflect meanwhile, connecting dots in my life, then back again into reading further.
The transformation is ‘I didn’t know all of this’ to ‘now I know, now I see, now I understand’ — I just can’t express in words how much it means to me — it’s priceless. You know it in your guts when you just feel it; words can’t hold the weight of this feeling!
I tossed between ‘to read’ or ‘not to read’ quiet a long time. Getting used to reading PDFs was a hell of a hurdle that I had to cross. Though ‘love for reading’ supported me. The change is remarkable! Now I prefer PDFs because I can keep so many of them n they take very little space! — It’s a blessing. Pure blessing.
Making time was another struggle — I wasn’t even aware of the term ‘make time’ — how to use your share of time wisely? I was desperately looking for ways to change. That urge became so stronger that I initiated making time, now I prefer the way — read, reflect, implement, read, reflect, implement. Pause and reflect — works wonder with these kind of books because you really would want to get a hang of it — what is the author trying to say.
‘I think I am doing some sort of crime or learning some forbidden, dark spells’ — felt like this when I first started reading these books. Still sometimes this feeling comes back! Like I am transforming into a dark magician/witch. The discomfort is super real. Many concepts contradicts to my surroundings a great deal that’s why the discomfort can get really high sometimes.
Writing this post is a huge courageous act on my behalf. It’s not that I want to hide what I am reading, it’s more like everyone thinks differently. Events affect differently everyone. My condition pushed me to sign up for change. I can’t change others; I can only change myself. That’s why I am doing the work on my own. I tried suggesting people (becoming very excited) though it never worked. So regarding books, rather than repeating every time, I am writing this post for once, all is here. Whoever wants to pick up, pick for yourself. I am going back to my reading!
Back to reading and finding these books- for me it’s heaven on earth. Getting to know all these amazing human beings through their books — definitely one of the best happenings in my whole life (from 1993- ongoing).
These are like ‘life support’ in my darkest time. I am glad that I have started reading again. I am determined to continue, reading I must.
Thank god! I didn’t wait for the ‘imaginary retirement far in the future’ as I was courting this idea. I started inserting reading time here n there alongside my other obligations. Being able to collect them helped to restart the reading habit. It has sure started getting easier.
After all these books, I am definitely not the same person who took a gap from reading, miserable in her life, clueless just about everything, looking for herself in every strangers and what not! ‘The before me’, and ‘the after me’ is different. 365+ days of reading may not move an Everest, I have sure started climbing, on the way to the top of the Everest. Gradually I am taking actions, moving through my resistance, seeing my resistances melting away and moving out of my way. It’s an amazing feeling — seeing myself embracing growth.
I started getting back with reading during my marriage. I wasn’t doing so great in my marriage. It was not turning out in vivid way which I imagined in my mind. Looking for answers about ‘how to do it better’ leads me to these books. Then I realized I knew nothing about ‘walking the talk’. Previously all I did is just talking about ideals, not actually living them myself in real life. When you are being sure about your integrity in your mind and then you realize that your integrity has been f*cked up all this time! You weren’t even aware of this fact — accepting it and moving through it hurts, burns like hell’s fire.
I was really looking for ways to navigate better through this new territory called ‘marriage’. I was like after all I have signed up for the long haul. At least I thought so. I am saying it using ‘was’ because the long haul has reached its end now. During this time together, I learned a ton though. The reality I longed to see and live, I started seeing and living it. It explains why there are so many books on marriage related topics — one way or another!
Mutually terminated, I didn’t stop this time. Based on what I have known now, I wouldn’t even dare to proceed on that journey. Even if I decided to proceed, I would have done many moments differently. During the chapter, I guess I realized that I made a mistake. I was delaying accepting it and trying to salvage it. It just fell apart when I stopped trying so hard. Now I realize that it was ‘falling apart’ type from the very beginning. I just exercised my power to control it to make it stick together. I have allowed it to go and now it’s gone. And I am glad that I have accepted ‘the end’.
Though immensely grateful for the chapter, I got burned out n exhausted terribly. Yet I understand now that I needed this chapter to become whatever God intends to make me. Lessons were due and super costly, none of procrastination tricks was going to save my ass this time. It was like a forging pit for me, assigned by God.
These books like ‘angels in each step’ helped me to stay put together. Going through the ripping pain, at the same time, it is the same pain that building new structures and patterns inside my brain. Losing my sense of self, deconstructing myself to construct again — a more cohesive one this time. They helped me to unlock many puzzle pieces of my identity. Losing myself to regain myself, a kind of trading — old self leaving and making way for the emergence of the new self.
Eventually redirected by and sometimes by following author recommendations, I have ended up in the parenting stuff — re-parenting topics, what happened and their impacts during my developing years, revisiting the “locked for eternity, highly explosive memories” n finally making some senses out of them. What it has to do with my present and what it is capable of doing to my future, if I do not take action — lifetime reflecting on all these questions has begun.
It was like I am looking for ways to reach to the south star, eventually ending up towards north-star. Drastically opposite, highly unpredictable or deep down was I actually looking for the north-star?! From the very beginning! It could be…
I am making changes and therefore my life is currently upside down. I am passing the dark tunnel and moving forward to the light on the other end, determined to stay there for the rest of my life. Running with my life in hand, getting and keeping myself out of the blame game. For the first time being truly responsible for myself. I would be seeing these days, my second life — the ‘miracle’ like feeling still fresh.
The irony is ‘The one who gave me the links so that I can explore more books; catered to my tastes, interests’, our ways are separated now. If the books were handed over to me first, I would be a totally different person. I definitely wouldn’t have attracted that relationship to begin with. Well! God’s plan is always better. Because of this one chapter, how I see my life now and how I am looking forward to cherish my life, has shifted 360 degree. This chapter marks the explosion phase of all the suppressed wounds since the beginning. Growth has its own kind of pain, comes within the package.
It’s just my personal experience. I am definitely not saying marriage is bad and nothing good comes out of it. What I think I am trying to say that this intimate type of relation is powerful enough to trigger it all and being prepared before beginning it can prevent an enormous amount of damage. It’s actually when both party decides to make changes for real time, repair can be resumed. It’s not just confined to the beginning. There are ways — science proven, and therapeutic ways available to work out and resolve challenges, to navigate it gracefully. The resources exist. Books are just one of them and I happen to be comfortable with books.
I am doing better, it’s just not with that person anymore. I have made a promise to myself. I am doing it, accepting this transformation — with him or without him. And I am doing it. Because if I know there is a better way to do it, I can’t help but embrace it. I suppose I am wired for growth.
I think it’s prominent even in my writing, because exploring inner world is mostly what I am going through currently. I was really bored acting like a victim all the time. Never really stopped looking for something, some way to alter the situation. A will-o-wisp kept pestering me — there is a possibility, there is a possibility, there is a. . . .actually many of them exists. I could see that blaming others and myself wasn’t helping me. In no way it was helping me.
Getting triggered in my marriage initiated, accelerated the process in such a way; the pain of staying became too painful to tolerate. The chapter on ‘marriage’ — now I see from present, it was a tough one but I have managed to come out of it a better person than the previous version. At least I have started fixing my inner world. Yes, it will take many more years to fully express myself. Each day, now I look forward to it.
Dear reader, if you are still with me, Wow! I appreciate your patience and presence here. I hope at least one or two books may find you too on your journey and work as a domino just as these did and doing in my life. If you want to share your thoughts, feel free to comment. I would love to read your comments.
Thank you a lot.
Take care.
See you soon at another post.
